Saturday 1st March
20:45, Home, London
I woke up earlier than usual and willed myself out of bed to wash my hair. Good decision. The sky was blue, the birds were singing, but I was feeling so down and out. I took pictures of the discoloured section of my ceiling and sent it to mum and my landlord. After, I quickly packed my bag and headed out. Took out the trash too. I made a pitstop at Sainsbury to buy a meal deal – they’re £3.75 now- which consisted of a ham & cheese sandwich, raspberry apple juice and a pain aux raisin today. Then I headed to Nero where I got my usual americano with a splash of cream. Does this all seem a bit dull to you? It felt dull to me.
I was yearning to go somewhere truly warm, not just sunny, but warm enough so I could wear less layers and feel the suns heat on my skin. I felt all withered today, like a starving flower. Like a straw without water, plastic mind you, not those awful cardboard ones. I felt without purpose, or like I was ignoring my purpose to be more precise. I just wasn’t feeling great today.
I downloaded the Banking and Monterey Law materials till week 8, made daily schedules for March and a study plan. Then I left Nero and stood in a spot with sunlight for a couple minutes, called Steve so I don’t look awkward standing there, and finally went home. I didn’t want to go home but I had nothing else to do and nowhere else too go. This new flat feels too far from Central London to just casually catch a train. I preferred my Golders Greens location. But after my usual routine at the cafe and those few minutes feeling the sun shine on my face, I was a bit more energised. When I got home, I wrapped up that rug I’m not using in plastic and stored it in the shed. I’d been meaning to do that for a while.
For lunch I made fish fingers and had them with salad in a wrap. It was as mediocre as it gets to be honest. I tried to make pancakes later with this ready pancake mix they were selling in Sainsbury. It’s pancake day on Tuesday so they were promoting it. It’s basically all the dry ingredients inside a carton, all you do is add water to till line and shake it. So, the first pancake didn’t flip correctly but I tried an edible section of it. It was nice but so oily. The second ingredient on the carton is rapeseed oil, plus the eggs used are barn eggs. Not the best quality, but what do you expect? It was a pound. I threw out that first pancake thinking the next ones would be better, but I left the second one too long in the stainless steel pan and it burnt. Then third one tasted burnt because of the burn residue in the pan, so I threw the whole thing and any remaining batter out. I think I’ll make it from scratch next time when I’m in a better mood. I was going to have it with my new strawberry preserves.
I hoovered the house, made more peppermint and eucalyptus infused water to fight back these pesky flies, and watched the film Black Adam. It was basically a monotone day where I haven’t felt my best, mentally speaking. I don’t know if it’s because of the phase of my menstrual cycle, side effect of suddenly stopping ADHD meds, or I’ve just always suffered from depression but sometimes it’s less obvious. Honestly, I think it could also be symptom of a bad diet. I had so much unhealthy food yesterday. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Highlights of today were speaking to mum on the phone, putting the rug and old musty books away in the shed, and currently I’m watching Shrek virtually with Steve. Shrek is making me feel better. I remember all the soundtracks from my childhood. Brings back good emotions. I also just had a call with my family in Canada, they were all together in the car on the way to the cottage. I’m glad they’re having a good time. It’s funny, because I don’t feel any resentment or jealousy that they can be together right now, my sister included, enjoying themselves. I just feel dull and, like, too much of a realist.
I could technically catch a flight to Toronto tomorrow and be with my family, but I know if I do that I’ll be missing critical lessons at university, so I have no desire to do that. Like, is this normal? Is this depression? I’m not feeling joyful over the prospect of anything. Really considering taking the ADHD medication starting tomorrow. I’m supposed to be taking it right now. I don’t know why I recoil from it so much intrinsically. It does help me be productive and the benefits do outweigh any cons, like an occasional headache. I just don’t know. Am I sabotaging myself by forgoing the meds? Anyway, after this I’ll sleep early. Goodnight.
